What’s Your Problem?

Good question!

Since discovering the TTC community online, both through the blog and on Twitter, I will I admit to being more of a voyeur than a participant.  One of the main reasons for this is that there is no ‘story’ to tell and no problem to seek solidarity on, other than remaining childless.

When finding people to follow, I quickly noticed that people shared their stories of miscarriages and IVF, of PCOS and endometriosis.  They shared it upfront, even in their bios, often sharing the years their journeys have taken and the dates of their losses.

Aside from saying we have been following the catalogue of dos and don’ts, taking the right vitamins, using the apps and the ovulation sticks for over two years, there is not much else to say.

I have never miscarried.  I have never been pregnant.  I have never done a pregnancy test.  I have never even missed a period.  Sure, my cycle might change in length by a few days (and I mean a few days – as in 2 or 3 either way.  Not even a week), but nothing of concern.  My blood tests have been fine and my hormone levels are good.  I had thought I might have thyroid issues, but got the all-clear.  His samples have been ‘normal’ across the board.  We’re both reasonably fit, non-smokers.  I try to avoid booze as much as possible (which is not easy, particularly when you’re stressing out 2/3 of every month).

So, what’s the bloody problem?  Apart from a suggestion from the sonographer that there might by fibroids on my uterus wall (we’ll find out at the end of Feb, because who doesn’t love a 5 month wait?!), my best guess is timing.  While we have tried getting busy every day, every other day and by the guiding light of the star charts (this one is not true), sometimes we are hindered by the simple fact of not being in the same place at the same time.

The best description I can think of for our situation is that of military families that, because of work, spend time apart.  But, I work at a university and he works in theatre, so it’s not even as though we can garner sympathy.  It just means that while I am mainly at home, he is often away with a show.  Sometimes, it’s possible to catch up regularly, because he’s local, but sometimes he’s literally on the other side of the world.

Having said all that, we have been going at it long enough and with enough full months in each other’s company, that there has to be something more.  But what?  And will it help me to share me experiences more widely?  At the moment, I feel like a charlatan, like an impostor in a world where people have identifiable reasons for their plight.  They have their badges of honour, for brave fights and battles against adversity.

I know how this might read, but it’s not a poor me story.  It’s a shout into the unknown, because of the unknown.

R.

 

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