The 5 Year Plan

I’ve never had any particular plan in mind when it comes to life.  I’ve pottered through the every day, doing things that interest me, following paths that lead somewhere different and getting involved with stuff that makes me happy.  One step followed another, and while I wouldn’t say I was meandering aimlessly, I didn’t set goals for career, relationships, bank balance.  Sometimes I regret that.

Some of my friends have these plans.  Married by age X , achieve X career aspiration, live in X.  For some of them it’s worked out.  For some, it hasn’t.  I wonder if life would be different if I’d had a plan?

It’s only when the map of life doesn’t unfold the way you expect, that you realise that you were expecting to follow a certain path.  I expected to have had a baby by now.  And it is only in the seemingly endless pursuit of this baby, that I have noticed what I haven’t done.

I challenged myself a few years ago to apply for a much better job, one which I thought I’d excel in.  I got the job and have progressed really well, building a solid foundation to build a ‘career’ on.  Having said that, a years or so ago, I noticed that I’d stopped pushing myself, because I thought I’d be taking time out on maternity.  I put up with a lot of crap, because I thought I’d be able to take a step away to focus on parenthood.  Now that I recognise I’m stalling and babies are not on the horizon, I’ve started looking around for new steps and even put in my first application.

I’ve always been on the curvy side of life.  I’m fairly body confident and have flaunted my shape to some extent.  I thought by curves would embrace pregnancy and bear fruit, so I didn’t need worry about the extra hip rounding or boob swell (why would I?), but the older I got, the more I realised that my healthy attitude had been overshadowed by sedentary and I became conscious of people thinking I was pregnant when I definitely wasn’t (and why do people feel the need to ask anyway?  Even strangers?!).   So, I made an effort to put activity back on my radar and think about my food more healthily and embrace my curves for me, instead of what might or might not happen in the fertility future.

There are a lot of things that I get involved in, volunteering my time and energies in various organisations, charities and groups.  For the most part I love it, but it can be so busy.  Friends often comment on not knowing how I have the time, but you fit in what you want and for me, that’s a bit of everything.  But, I thought I’d have the irrefutable excuse of time off to be a mama.  I thought I could keep going until mother nature made a mother of me and I couldn’t be denied time away from the hectic world I inhabited.  As it hasn’t happened,  I have decided that I don’t need to channel my energies in to anything that I don’t want to.  I can take time off, even if there isn’t an excuse.

So, I still don’t have a plan, but at least now, I am not resting the hope of any change in my circumstances on something that may never happen.  I’m going to do, or not do, things as I choose, because they make me happy, not because the path I thought I was on turns out to be a dead end.  Maybe I don’t even need a path.

R.

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